"THEY CUT ME OPEN and SUNSHINE CAME OUT"
Three weeks ago I was in the hospital to have a hysterectomy at 41, 10 months, and 55 days old . Seems rather drastic but essential for me to ensure a quality of life I have not been experiencing for almost two years.
I remember the day I went to see Dr Singh, my third specialist (http://www.medicine.uottawa.ca/obstetricsgynecology/General_OB/eng/SinghBio.html). Walking to his office I was determined to take a stance that I think many woman in my position take; "There is no way I'm letting him take my uterus. That's what they like to do to black woman. It amounts to sterilization. There is no way. I'm dying with all the parts I came into this world with. I don't care what he tells me". This was what I was rehearsing to say when I talked to the doctor.
Once I got in his office, he mapped out my particular situation very clearly: 41, no partner, "frankenstein uterus" with an equivalent size of almost 20 weeks pregnant and growing, anemia and an iron level that wasn't even registering on the blood test, energy level zero. Once those facts were in front of me, my decision was only whether he would do the surgery or if I would get it done by the original specialist I was sent to. I chose Dr Singh not just because he was honest with me but also because he proposed doing the procedure using laparoscopy, the only doctor in the city who uses that technique. It meant that although I would have no choice about reducing my activities to nearly nothing, it wouldn't need to be for as long as if I would have needed to be off if I had done the traditional procedure. The most important thing for me to do therefore was to prepare mentally for the obvious, no chance of having my own children.
A good friend counseled me and I followed her advise for several weeks. I spent a lot of time writing down every single thing I feared about the surgery. I kept a pad near me for weeks that I used to jot down things as they came to me. I amassed a list with about 40+ things on it. When I knew I was complete with the list, I burned it in the fireplace. You wouldn't believe how freeing that exercise was. I really felt good about the decision after completing it and I knew that everything was going to be fine.
What it also allowed me to see was all of the children I already had. Just so I could be reminded of that, my daughter Aliai mapped it out in a heartfelt email just how many there were out there who are my children. I've always known it in my head but after that email, I felt it in my heart and spirit. That allowed for the next space to be created which was to release and let go of an expectation so that I could see what was available in the space I was in.
I have always had a special affinity for children. I remember when my sister was born. I was four years old and I just knew I could help her learn things. It was my first teaching gig. Angela knew how to do things like tie a lace, count, write etc younger than anyone else. My favourite toy was a chalkboard that sat for years in my room where I would teach her how to write her name. She was really my first student. As an adult it took me years to stop running from what was truly my calling and who would benefit from that passion (ME).
The day before the surgery I enjoyed a very chill day. Of course it had the usual crazy as I didn't understand what "bowel prep" meant. Let's just say it's a good thing I didn't follow through with the plan to eat that big ass meal I was planning. I took my last sip of water at 11:57 pm just short of the midnight cut off for food and drink.
Angela, my mom, and Deborah came with me to hospital prepared with books, music etc to sit for a long haul. In the end, all they had to do was drop me off. The Surgical Day Unit processed me quickly that before I knew it I was naked under the "I can see your ass" gown they give you at every hospital. The nurse came in soon after I was assigned a bed to help put on my sexy Spanx (pressure tights for circulation) and give me some meds. I promptly fell asleep assuming she had given me something to relax (Not. My ass just has dropsy). Next was the "knock you out" doctor. I was scheduled for a noon surgery but didn't get into the OR until nearly 2pm. A very nice nurse kept me preoccupied as I was poked and prodded. Just as I was about to go sleepy time, Dr Singh tapped me and we shared a moment that made everyone in the OR laugh. He told me to have a good sleep and I told him to do good work.
Well I need to add this experience to the list of "missing hours" in my life. The next thing I remember was my mouth feeling like cotton wool and the nurse gently trying to wake me up. I immediately asked her if I still had on my sexy Spanx. She laughed so hard and asked my mother if I was always this crazy. Of course my mother told her yes. I was determined to be a good patient and follow every order so that I could be released by 7am the next morning when Angela arrived to pick me up. She then told me I had a "trail-a-load" of visitors waiting to see me. No one else had as many as me. They had to come in two at a time and it was like a parade.
During the evening and between meds, the pain was crazy even for me. I drank so much water because I was so thirsty. I listened to my music all night so I could sooth away the pain and I wouldn't have to hear the snoring of my neighbour or myself. I ate digestive tea crackers like they were crack. I literally felt like I had done 400,000 sit ups. When Angela got there at 7am, right on time, I was dressed and waiting. I had had my "golden" pee pee, eaten some toast with cheese and had a cup of coffee. I was ready to make an escape.
Once home, my only job then and now was to get better. The house was busy and I am so thankful for the care that my family and friends gave me. Lots of visitors with worried faces but trying not to show me their concerns. For some, it was the first time they had ever seen me looking and being out for the count. All of that was permission to chill and let others do for me. Everyone had the same concern which was that I would be challenged by having to stay still. I guess they all forgot that is what I do all summer every summer for the past ten years as an educator. Also, my secret is that as long as there are movies to watch and books to read, I am happy right there in my house.
I couldn't climb stairs, sit up without severe pain or go to the bathroom without assistance or take care of my basic hygiene needs.
I became very clear how loved I am (not that I didn't know that before). All my children either came or called. My friends were always around and my friends who couldn't be here were keeping in touch by email and phone. The number of them kept my mother hopping up and down the stairs answering the door or running down the hall to get the phone. She lost weight that first week for sure.
Thank you to everyone for all the well wishes, prayers, prayer circles, flowers, visits, emails, phone calls and cheerful reminders for me to take it easy and do everything I can to get well. I am truly blessed.
It is in the silence between the moments when/where transformation takes place. My body transformed three weeks ago and my spirit was fulfilled.
At 41, I am not my uterus and it would be a sin to dwell there. I am mother to many and best of all, I can have new children any time and I don't have to wait nine months. They range in age from just over 1 year old and the oldest is just under 35. They are boys and girls. Some have their own families now. They always come home, they always check to make sure I am well. Just like my good friend Michelle, I too will adopt soon. Love can not be confined by the space in your uterus and I have lots to share.
What have I learned? I am love and loved! I am Sunshine!
Thank you to all. Thank you to my mom, Yvonne. You are the best.
This is sent with love from me to you!
"Doing Our Spiritual Jobs Towards Our Destiny"
